66 Reflection Chapter: Behind

I have always felt behind in life, certainly lately. People having kids, pregnancy announcements, people moving out, people graduating, people moving into their dream careers, and sometimes I wonder, what about me?

I recently came across a Belgian statistic saying that around 20% of people between the ages of 25 and 34 were still living with their parents in 2024. Somehow, that didn't really make me feel better. I am already past that age bracket, so naturally my brain found a way to use that against me too.

Thirty-seven, still living at home, no wife, no kids.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy my sister got a kid and that my friend Ken became a dad two weeks ago. I have also seen another announcement on Facebook recently from someone I cherish, and fuck, she deserves it. After all she's been through, she fucking does deserve her little happiness being born and being healthy. I am so stoked for her.

Sometimes I wish I was still part of her everyday life, but that's another topic entirely, and this will make more sense in the future when I release Chapter 88.

Although I am still trying to figure out how to feel about all this while writing this blog, I started thinking: what is wrong with having lived the life I have lived?

I couldn't find the answer straight away.

Basically, most people around me seem to follow something like this:

School -> job -> get married -> buy a house -> have kids.

That's the rough pattern.

Here is mine in detailish:

School -> failed at college -> worked as a carpenter -> didn't like it -> swapped jobs a couple of times -> gaming -> didn't know what I wanted -> started to travel left and right -> still didn't know what I wanted -> gamed some more -> got depressed -> hence, here we are, becoming someone different from before.

I never knew what I wanted.

Or did I?

Travelling and financial freedom were what I wanted, even if I didn't know back then. I immersed myself in gaming because I loved it, especially in my 20s and early 30s, but somewhere along the way gaming felt more like running away and wasn't fulfilling anymore, and I lacked friends I could see face to face. That is also something I understand now.

It was easier to game daily than do the work. It became a bad habit, and that habit is hard to shake off and easy to fall back into, like lately.

That's something I still struggle with.

Gaming can be social, don't get me wrong. I don't regret any of the friendships I made, but I wish I had balanced it better, which I am trying to correct now.

And oh, let's not forget our friend Corona. That bitch broke me more than I thought it did. And maybe I am not alone in this. Corona broke a lot of people and took years out of our lives in one way or another.

For some, apparently, they were so bored they humped like bunnies, hence all the talk about "Corona babies." I know I am being crude here, but it is what it is. Belgium did see births jump again in 2021 after dropping in 2020, although statistically it wasn't really a baby boom. It was more of a return to pre-Corona levels.

But sometimes it feels like I arrived at a party that is already over.

Hence why I felt behind.

And sometimes, when I am tired and too much in my own head, I still feel behind.

I am behind on some things. Moving out, girlfriend, wife and kids. Have I achieved any of those things?

Nope, I haven't.

And it made me wonder. Some people get divorced and start from scratch again, find another partner, buy a house, raise kids with a new person or raise their kids alone.

They start from the exact same place I am in right now.

So am I truly behind?

No, I am not.

I am behind on the timeline past Andy set for himself years ago. "By age 34: kids, wife, house." That's what I wrote on my bucket list, if I remember correctly.

But that's the weird thing. Past Andy also wanted different things. He wanted to travel. He wanted to game for days on end. He had no interest in going out and certainly didn't want to learn to dance. He didn't really care that he was on the bigger side either because he enjoyed food too much.

I think past me did want all "the standard stuff."

But past me was also happy with the life he had.

He wanted those other things, but apparently not enough to actually work towards them.

So how can I blame past Andy for not working towards things he didn't want badly enough yet?

But at some point, past me felt stuck. Then eventually came the pressure of feeling behind. Or maybe the delusion of being behind, as I see it now.

I remember near the end of my depression, when I started to get more fight in me, saying something along the lines of, "Stop putting me in a mold that I don't fit in. Who says I want those things in the first place?"

Because back then, that was also how I felt. I wasn't ready, but I pushed myself regardless.

And here we are, a year and a half later.

That doesn't mean I agree with every choice he made. There are choices I wish were different today, and some things I am trying to catch up on.

But those years weren't empty.

I travelled to Alaska, Canada, Lapland, Iceland, Japan, Malta, Vietnam, New Zealand, Indonesia, Fuerteventura and some other places.

I think I've seen parts of the world that most people will never see, and I am not even close to being done travelling.

Those years weren't wasted just because I would live some of them differently today.

There is a quote almost everyone knows: "Comparison is the thief of joy."

The only comparison any of us should make is to compare ourselves to who we were yesterday, a week ago, a month ago. That, to me, is the only comparison of a timeline we should make, not the movie or TV show timeline or the everyone-around-us one.

I think a lot of people know it, but very few truly understand how much damage comparison can do.

Being behind for most people is this idea of having kids, being able to buy a house, getting their dream job or their dream body.

The idea that I should have all of those things by a certain age is a social construct, one that I used to have, and I need to stop measuring my life by it.

Maybe I am behind if you follow the standard road.

But have you met me?

I am not really standard in anything I do. Which crazy motherfucker do you know that would write letters like prayers? I am not bragging. Every time I bring this up, people ask me why? Because they can’t imagine doing it themself. Well, this is one example. People that know me well probably have stories of things I did that don't fit the mold. Life is short. I'd rather follow my heart than my brain. I think I always did.

Maybe I am just taking a road less travelled.

The truth is, I do want some of those things.

I want my own place. I would like to find someone. Maybe have a family one day. Pretending I don't want those things just because I don't have them yet wouldn't be honest either.

But wanting those things doesn’t mean I have to punish myself for not having them yet. Who knows? Maybe I’m meant to take a solitary road and not have a wife or kids at all

You can wish you started earlier. Some things will get harder with age, and I am not going to sugarcoat that either.

But harder doesn't automatically mean impossible or too late.

This life is yours. You get to decide.

That's something we forget sometimes, how much power we have over our own lives.

I certainly tend to forget it often.

Right now I am giving my all to try new things. I enjoy dancing, but even after six months it still stresses me out and is still outside my comfort zone.

I know that someday I probably won't give a fuck anymore. I won't stress when I don't get some weird sensual movement or wonder where the hell my hand is supposed to go.

Might sound stupid, but if you go dancing, you get it. That shit still makes me nervous as fuck.

But I am doing it anyway.

And even after writing all of this, I know there will be days when I feel behind again.

Maybe in two years I will still be where I am now. Maybe in two years I'll be married, in a relationship with a baby on the way. Maybe in two years I'll be travelling the world again.

I don't know.

If you told me a year ago, "Next year you will be dancing bachata up close, doing sensual stuff with women," I would have looked at you funny, thought you were crazy and asked if you'd seen a pink unicorn elephant with butterflywings blowing soap bubbles.

I probably would have been getting ready to fight you because you're clearly coo-coo in the head and just told me the most absurd thing I'd ever heard.

Although, I guess a pink unicorn elephant with wings blowing soap bubbles is pretty out there too.

Yet here we are.

One thing I do know is that I'll have my own place where I can figure out my next steps in life. And if I keep doing what I am doing now, I'll be fitter too.

And honestly, I probably will never know exactly where I'll be. That's what I learned to enjoy about life. Not knowing where I'll go, what will happen or who I'll meet along the way.

Who knows how much time any of us have? If my time ended sooner than expected, I think I could at least say that right here, right now, I am happy. I know I've already said this in the previous blog.

But hey, I really don't know what's coming next.

I just know I don't plan on sitting on a train that won't leave the platform.

Old picture i walked for ages to get there.