74. Life Chapter: The Break I Needed and a Pint of Cider
The last time I talked about that friend I ended my friendship with, I mentioned that I thought I had hurt her. Well, it seems she didn't care at all.
I asked a mutual friend how she was doing out of worry. Apparently, she was doing fine and didn't understand why I was hurt by her not showing up.
After hearing that, I was annoyed at myself. I had spent several days feeling bad about ending the friendship, while she didn't seem to care or even understand.
What's even more annoying is that my instinct was right. The decision was right, and yet I was left feeling angry with myself. Angry for failing at another friendship, for not being understanding enough or patient enough.
But did I actually fail another friendship? From what Pieter seems to think, I haven't. He shares the same concerns about her, so why do I still feel like I did something wrong? Why this sudden surge of anger at myself and sadness after hearing that she was okay and didn't seem to care?
Sometimes I'd rather not deal with people at all or open up to anyone.
I guess it's those two tracks at play here again. The logical one is saying, "We made the right decision. I've got evidence that she doesn't care, and my friends are basically saying the same thing. I can trust my instincts. They were right."
Meanwhile, the emotional track hasn't caught up. I cared about this friendship, and part of me still wonders whether I could have done something differently. Whether I should have been more patient, more understanding, or whether I hurt her by ending things. Even though I know why I made that decision, those feelings of guilt and regret are still there.
It's so annoying that those two tracks never seem to align at the same time.
Anyway, let's leave it at this. It happened, and I'm going to move on. I'll deal with my feelings.
So anyway, the concert was great! The time spent alone was absolutely the break I needed. It was my first time going to a concert at Ancienne Belgique in Brussels, and the sound quality was stupidly good. I thought I was listening through a good pair of headphones!
I spammed my Instagram with songs from The HU. I also filmed the opening act, SKÁLD, whose music I already knew. I talked with strangers and thought about Claire a little. I'm sure she would have loved the concert. As I'm writing this, I wonder whether I should send her a message or not.
Even before the concert, I went to an Irish bar to get a cider. I understand now that I love drinking it. Forget the beer, just get me a cider!
I'm slowly discovering simple things about myself lately. My favourite food, drinks, songs, movies. It's weird, but I feel like I'd forgotten those things over the last couple of years. All of it. But I'm getting off track here.
While I was drinking my pint of cider, soccer was on. I hate soccer. Well, hate is such a strong word. What I mean is that it's just not for me. But Liverpool was playing, and I'm pretty sure James, Claire's husband, supports them. Well, I think so. I don't remember.
The point is that I was thinking about him and how I'm still too scared to get on Discord and try to make things right. It's funny how I thought of those two nerds that evening. I miss hanging out with them and the others, but that's no secret if you've been reading for a while.
And one day, hopefully before it's too late, I'll grow some balls and face the music, no matter the outcome. I say "nerds" with affection, but I'm sure that was already clear without explaining it.
The day after, I went to the gym. I bought a sports watch recently to help with my weight-loss goals, and unfortunately, the number on the scale still hasn't changed. But funnily enough, all my pants are starting to get baggy. I don't really understand it.
I was already pretty sure my pants were getting baggy, but when I got ready for Thomas's wedding and put on my suit, I couldn't believe how loose everything had become. The last time I wore that suit was during the summer, for a former coworker's wedding.
I had so much fun taking pictures at Thomas's wedding. I'd recently bought a flash and watched tutorials on how to use it. It was a small and beautiful wedding, and I was happy to be part of it.
I still need to edit the pictures, but I'm happy that they're married and honoured that I could be part of their special day.
It's funny how I've been feeling more emotional lately when thinking about certain people I care about. Well, it's not funny in the sense of irony, but you get what I mean.
By now, though, I understand one thing about myself all too well. I care too much, and I struggle to forgive myself for mistakes or things I've done. I think that's going to hold me back for a while until I learn otherwise. I definitely need to go to therapy if these feelings persist.
Ahh, shit. I wanted to write a lighter chapter!
It's Sunday now, a couple of days after I wrote the first part. I went to a party last night with Pieter and a girl from dance class. We went dancing in the Netherlands, and it was so much fun! I danced with other people, tested my leading skills, and noticed that, as usual, I was putting too much pressure on myself.
But last night, I didn't let it get to me because I realised that dancing is a conversation. Sometimes we misunderstand each other, and when a sequence of moves doesn't work out, the best thing to do is adapt and laugh it off.
I think dancing itself is helping me grow in ways I didn't expect. Getting to know people and listening to their stories is helping me grow too. So I'm pretty sure I'll keep at it for a while.
I also had the courage to message Claire. I think I need to stop worrying about our friendship so much and just let it flow naturally. So far, she's been nothing but nice and supportive. There's no need for me to always be afraid or stressed about messaging her.
Well, that's that. Life still moves forward, and so will I. So fuck it, let's go!