A few weeks ago, I went out for dinner with Thomas and Ines. It was a nice reunion for them, as they hadn't seen each other in over a decade. I guess I brought them together again, which was nice. Towards the end of dinner, we even fixed a date for the next time we'd go out to eat.
We talked at length about several subjects, including friendship and how life has been lately. Somehow, I brought up the fact that I had recently cut ties with someone for being unreliable and not showing up. One thing led to another, and we started talking about the friendship breakup I'd gone through and how they still seemed to upset me.
Ines asked me why I missed that particular friendship so much. It's a question I've been asked several times before, but not recently. I started getting a little emotional. I guess being reunited with them had something to do with it.
I replied, "Because I had nobody else, and you guys weren't there anymore."
After saying that, I realized it sounded accusatory, so I quickly explained that I didn't mean it like that. I know life moves on. You guys got married, had children, and built your own lives. The same goes for Pieter. He's busy with his own life, and if we weren't both dancing, we probably wouldn't see each other nearly as often.
I took a breath and continued explaining.
My old friend group was important to me because it was a place where I could be myself, just like with you guys. I don't have many places like that. Over the years, those connections had slowly faded, and Claire, James, and Ricky were among the last people I still felt that connection with. They felt like my last home.
When I was depressed, I felt like they didn't understand the pain I was going through. I was overly emotional, which led to fights and stupid arguments. Eventually, I lost those connections too.
And then something clicked.
Yes, I miss the people I used to be close to, but by saying all of this out loud, I admitted something I'd known for a while.
“My biggest fear is loneliness. The fear of spending the rest of my life alone, without any close relationships.”
I think that was the first time I'd admitted it out loud to anyone.
That fear has always been there, and to some extent, it still is.
I explained that dancing has partly helped me with that fear this year. I haven't made any close friends through dancing, at least not yet, but being around people makes me feel less lonely. Seeing the same faces over and over again, with the possibility of friendship and connection, has done me a lot of good.
Reconnecting with people from my past has helped too. Actually meeting up with them instead of just occasionally exchanging messages. I'm also grateful that I've made peace with Claire.
We talked a little more, cracked some jokes, and reminisced about the past.
Later that night, I thought about our conversation some more.
Before the pandemic, I had something similar at IKEA. It was work, sure, but my coworkers made it so much more enjoyable, and some friendships formed there too. I guess I've always needed that kind of connection.
Looking back at my depression, I might never be able to pinpoint exactly how it started or what caused it. But I'm pretty sure loneliness played its part. Losing those connections over the years, questioning whether some of those friendships were genuine, and not knowing where my life was heading certainly didn't help.
Well, I guess I've just named two possible reasons. There might have been something bigger going on, but I'm pretty sure those two contributed.
Having only online friendships didn't fulfill that need either. I wanted to go on adventures, see people, and hug the people who were important to me.
What I missed most about those online friendships were the hugs, the smiles, and the little things like poking at each other. But that didn't take away from how much I loved those people emotionally. I loved them with all my heart, or as I like to put it, with all the love I possess.
That's probably why I cried and got emotional every time it was time to say goodbye at the end of our yearly trips, because I never knew when I'd see them again. Although I sometimes behaved strangely, the truth was that it hurt to say goodbye.
I think my next big chapter begins with understanding that fear and dealing with the insecurities I still have.
I haven't had much time to write this week, so I'm going to leave it here. Quite a few things have happened lately, and there's still plenty on my mind.
Next week, I'll talk about the pillars in life and some of the uncertainty I've been dealing with.
Picture of Viggo of a recent walk