Life Chapter: Sunrise and Old Flames
With Valentine’s approaching, I wanted to write about romantic love.
It’s an area in my life where, so far, I’ve had no luck at all.
I mentioned that I met someone I had a crush on, head over heels even, a few posts ago. If it was meant to be, something would happen. Well, my heart grew colder over the last couple of months, and while I am more careful about who I open up to, I have come to realise that when doubt and fear overwhelm me, my instinct is to shut down and run away.
I notice that this behaviour bothers me and pushes people away, and since it seems that writing helps me realise things I do not notice otherwise, it’s definitely something I want to write about in the near future.
To be honest, I think I was just starved for warmth. But also afraid of it.
She is kind and caring like I am. Maybe that’s where my initial attraction started. Because I received a lot of kindness and love from her when I was in the lingering aftermath of an emotional storm.
But she’s not for me. We are very different people, and I think she still struggles with her ex. The initial spark just faded out, nothing more to it. She still texts me often. But there is no romance. It’s purely platonic.
Maybe I knew this already subconsciously, and that’s why I didn’t pursue her romantically. I frankly don’t know for sure. I am just glad I made a new friend in recent months. She is the one who taught me the basic step of bachata and took me out to a couple of dance events.
She is part of the friend group I left because of my own insecurity, and rejoined last Friday after we talked at length. So yeah, still single, no potential love interest.
But here’s the funny thing, at the end of this month, I’ll be seeing my first ever girlfriend, when I was 18-ish. Our relationship didn’t last long, six or seven months maybe.
I had a lot of firsts with her, like we all do with our first romantic partner. I can tell you the exact spot where we first kissed. It was in Leuven, near the train station, at the bus terminal, and I wore a scarf because my neck was slightly swollen from an allergic reaction.
Our relationship ended because she was into women, not men. I do remember that she didn’t know how to tell her parents. She was nervous and afraid.
I remember being confused after we broke up. Younger me didn’t understand any of that. Honestly, sometimes I still don’t. But what mattered to me was her as a person.
After we broke up, some months went by. I attended college and met someone who was gay. Later, I introduced that friend to my first girlfriend in the hopes they would hit it off and be happy. I won’t lie, it stung at first to accept it, but I was glad she was okay.
My first girlfriend came out to her parents sometime after I introduced that friend to her. They dated for a while, then broke up. She then met someone else after, got married some years later, and got a kid. I am happy for her.
I was thinking about this recently. I thought I became kind with age. I was wrong. I was always kind from the very beginning and always wanted to help people I care about, even if I was hurt by them. I don’t know if that’s a good trait or naivety.
Let’s be honest, most people don’t want to talk to the people that hurt them, whether they used to be friends or romantic partners. So why do I? I don’t want to let go of people I cared deeply about, and I don’t want them to be in pain. I want them to be happy. And I don’t want to live with regret or hate in my heart, not when I was 18 and not now. And when I care about someone, it takes a long time to fade. I can’t help it. I just wanted to know if she’s okay, and I wanted to catch up.
The second girlfriend I had, I met through gaming. I don’t even remember how long that lasted, less than a year? It was mainly an online romance, a lot of video calls in the evening, gaming together night after night. Eventually, we ended up meeting in Iceland.
When we met at the airport in Iceland, something felt off for a moment. Later, while walking on the black beach, we both understood it was not going to work. The distance was too great. Norway was too far. I also remember she didn’t want kids, and I didn’t know what I wanted back then.
When I was cleaning my drive, I found texts from her that I completely forgot about, where she apologised out of the blue. It was years after we broke up, and our breakup wasn’t that bad. We just wanted different things, that’s all.
Tip: Click on the img this is the text i mentioned
Now that I just mentioned that text, I know I have the love letter from my first girlfriend too.
Funny how life is that way.
Some people are lucky and find a relationship after the last one ended. Others, like me, only experience romance in short magical bursts like firework. I have been wanting to find my person for a while now.
There is nothing more that I would like than to meet my person. I guess I need to be more patient and, meanwhile, just do my thing. And keep watching the sunrise on the beach by myself for a bit longer.
Enjoying the first warm rays of a new day.
My ex posing in iceland.