Life Chapter: The Emotional Armistice

Well, it's been an interesting year. I remember this time last year all too well. Heartbroken, annoyed, upset, betrayed, the list goes on. But now I feel a quiet calm I have not felt in years. I was able to close all the chapters earlier than expected. There are no open chapters where people are involved anymore. Well, I guess that was the result of the letters, putting myself out there, and learning to forgive and forget. The rest was mostly internal work. Journaling, reading, and arguing with myself. But also to reconnect with myself.

There are some ongoing chapter things I want for myself, but they are already in progress. What I did notice is that I am very careful around new people. It's funny how I can live through those moments and observe and judge myself right after. I guess it is the benefit of my regained peace. My self-talk is still very demanding, but not for the same reason as before. I want to hold myself to higher standards, and if I fail, well, there is always next time.

But I have to say I am a bit unsettled. I think I started to have feelings for a woman I met, but upon realizing what was happening, I shot it down faster than lightning. Those feelings felt so unfamiliar to me, yet very textbook. Butterflies, obsession, a lot of texting and flirting I didn't even know I was capable of, even imagining a future together. God, I am giddy when I think about her. Yet I feel irritated because the timing is completely and utterly off. I would rather spend some more time with the current version of myself for a couple of months, just have fun. Yet, i am torn since I do want to be in a relationship. But I know for certain this is the right choice, and if it is meant to be, then why stress about it. It will work out somehow. I just wrote that with utter confidence. Where is this even coming from? I'm smiling while writing this.

I am a version right now that I have not seen yet or at least haven't felt in a long while, and I would like to enjoy it a bit more.

I'll be honest, I am happy that I get to experience having a crush again. I have forgotten how it feels. But like I said, I pulled the plug before it even got a hold of me, and, frankly, I am rather happy with how life is going right now: an income, planning for the future, being a work in progress, some emotional stability, and a clear head.

I used to wonder what was going to happen in 5 or 10 years from now. Now I wonder what life could and would look like in 6 months. A lot has changed in less than a year. I am sure I'll keep growing to get where I want to be, one step at a time.

I guess this December will not be as horrible as last year, but then again, I never liked this month, and that is a whole different topic for another day.