Reflection Chapter: Full Circle
I needed some time to think about life, and the direction where life is taking me. The blog from last week, Route 66 Memory Lane, carried a lot more emotion than the final edit. Even several months later, I thought of those 3 people a lot and the impact they had on my life, and how each of them helped shape the person I am today and the person I will end up becoming. Although putting all that importance on them isn’t fair to them, I can’t help how I feel. Those are my 2 tracks at work right there. Logic vs emotional.
While traveling with my mom, we had a lot of bad weather, the worst weather in 15 years they said in Gran Canaria, but we still made the best of it. Having this much bad weather, we looked for entertainment. However, I got bored quickly, and when I get bored, I start to analyse and overthink my life. This is when I usually get too much in my own head, and I overcompensated when I got back from vaca by going out every night. Not drinking, just dancing, just to get out of my own head. Believe me, I paid the price, I suffered some sleep deprivation from it afterwards.
Several times on vaca I kept thinking about what parts are still unfinished, what is still bothering me. I didn’t want to think about it, I was on vaca, I wanted to relax and leave the troubles for when I got back, hence the going out afterwards. And here is where I spiralled a little, because there are still people I want to meet up with, talk to, and see if I can get closure. And this is where I stopped myself and thought: I already went full circle. I met up with people who wanted and could meet up, I wrote the letters a year ago, revisited places I wanted, and also came to terms with the fact that the only person who can give himself closure is me. But this can take a while, and it’s okay to not be okay sometimes, you know what I mean?
It’s okay to still miss certain people even if they hurt me. It’s okay to not have everything figured out yet. It’s okay to have sent the letters. And it’s okay that I spent the past year changing so much that sometimes I get confused by myself because I don’t recognise the person I have become. And it’s okay to have messy blogs where nothing makes sense, like this one I guess.
Now to get back to the heart of the blog and make it less confusing to you all, I think I reached some weird enlightenment on vaca and the days that followed. I thought of what was left to do for me, but frankly, I went full circle. As I mentioned above, I met up with people of the past and revisited places that shaped me to remind me of who I am, or who I used to be. This isn’t the first time I did this, but never to this extent and depth. I feel that the past year i reconstructed my identity and I truly got to know myself. As for the places I revisited here are a few:
3 streets down from where I live, I used to sit with Thomas on a stone wall near the roundabout and we talked for hours, usually well past bedtime. I also revisited a bridge that looks over the railway at Leuven station. I used to go there, watch the trains come and go, just to think. There is also a bench in Leuven where I sat down at Ladeuzeplein. Me and Pieter had a conversation there 18 years ago that I remember fondly.
I also walked by a restaurant called Bavet and stood still in front of it, smirked fondly while my eyes rested on the table where I had some spaghetti with Claire when she came over to visit me.
I visited the place where I used to go to school in the Diegemstraat in Zaventem, or my high school Don Bosco in Sint-Lambrechts-Woluwe. I also went to visit the grave of my grandmom, just to talk to her.
Those are some examples of the places I visited this year and some of the people I miss.
But I guess I did what the old man said when we were talking about history: "To know where you are going, you need to know where you come from."
I will always miss certain places, The people i used to know or who I used to be, and that’s alright. I think the trick is to simply learn to hold the past while moving forward. Just like i have been doing. I also have a feeling that when I move out at the end of this year, or whenever that will be, I might go through changes again. Actually, i am pretty sure I will.