Reflection Chapter: One Year After the Letters
It’s difficult to believe it’s been a year since the letters. Time sure flies by. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t write those, but I know the answer. It would be the exact opposite of what happened this year: denying my underlying issues, not taking my life into my own hands, and not doing the actual work.
My biggest change is simple. I try to move forward regardless of fear and doubt. I don’t wait to feel ready. I just often go with “fuck it, let’s go.” I can’t afford the what ifs anymore. Dance class was one of those “fuck it, let’s go” moments. Sometimes I set goals that seem impossible, but even if I reach 1% more than last week, that’s still progress.
I will never forget that those letters took a big toll on me mentally. I don’t think many people would understand the effort I put in, or the internal struggle I went through. But the letters were closure. I had to make peace, stop looking back for answers I already had, and accept certain realities in order to become more like myself again.
Beyond the letters, I kept meeting up with people from the past this year. It felt poetic at times. I kept writing blogs and in my journal. The amount I have written is getting frankly ridiculous. I analyse my thoughts, and look for answers in psychology books and articles. That’s how my change started to manifest, little by little.
I also miss certain people. People I still deeply care about. Sometimes I wonder if I should be the one to initiate the reconnection. I don’t even know if they are interested in me anymore, and that makes me hesitate.
That is the hard part to accept right now: that some people will no longer be part of my life anymore. And I understood that well enough a year ago, but between knowing and making peace with it, there is a difference.
And in all honesty, I am overloaded right now. I need to keep writing and keep chasing what feels right. Fighting doubt and my insecurities is taking up more space than I would like.
I have become very aware of how I process things. I have two different tracks: the logical and the emotional. It’s hard to get them in sync. I know what I have to do, but the emotional track doesn’t agree, or doesn’t keep up. My emotional track is stubborn. It takes me a long time to align them, and at times they are not compatible at all. They simply refuse to sync.
As for some of my core traits: Empathy, love, kindness are my curses, and sometimes I resent that side of me. They make me help when help is not wanted, and cause friction and misunderstanding. At least that’s what I’ve experienced so far.
As for the change, it’s there. Nothing dramatic. Nothing loud. Just calmer, lighter, freer.
But one question keeps me back for now: am I the version I want to be?
And the answer is a loud, resounding no.
All I know is it’s only been one year. Mentally, I’m closer to who I used to be. But my journey isn’t over. I am on the right path. I am slowly becoming the person I want to be.