64 Life Chapter: A New Leaf Part 1

Well, this is my, what, fifth draft?

I have already spent hours writing and editing this blog, but so much has happened this week that I don’t even know where to begin anymore. So this is Part 1. Exceptionally, there will be a Part 2 on Wednesday.

So let’s start with a quote I heard on One Tree Hill.

Albert Camus once wrote:

“Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.”

Lucas Scott followed that quote with:

“But I wonder, if there’s no breaking, then there’s no healing. And if there’s no healing, then there’s no learning. And if there’s no learning, then there’s no struggle. But the struggle is a part of life. So must all hearts be broken?”

To that, I would add this:

Struggle is what makes people grow. It is also what makes people change, for good and for worse.

And with everything that has happened over these past few years, I can finally say something that I don’t think I would have been able to say before.

I am happy.

I am so happy that I am overwhelmed right now, and I am doing my best to keep my shit together.

In other words, I am trying not to cry from happiness.

I am grateful.

Dreams do come true. There are still so many dreams to live, so many things to work towards and hopefully make come true.

And sometimes things happen outside of our control that bring us peace and happiness.

And sometimes they bring struggles too, and when that happens, we need to make the best of it.

For this week’s blog, let me tell you the biggest unexpected reasons I am overwhelmed with happiness.

The rest can wait until Wednesday.

Although, I kind of want to be poetic about how I begin this story.

A train arrived at the platform where I was catching my breath.

And the person who carefully stepped off the train and joined me on the platform was none other than Claire.

Funny how that train metaphor came back around.

Months ago, I wrote about boarding my own train and continuing my journey. I wondered whether Claire would be on board or whether she would take the next one somewhere in the future.

Eventually, I stopped waiting.

Not because I stopped caring, but because I realised I had to keep moving.

I also wrote once that sometimes there are no villains in a story. Sometimes there are simply good people who hurt each other, people who slowly stop understanding each other until eventually they no longer know how to speak to each other.

I wrote that those endings could sometimes change and blossom again.

I hoped mine would.

But somewhere along the way, I also made peace with the possibility that it never would.

And then, unexpectedly, she messaged me.

Nothing dramatic happened.

There was no grand apology, no emotional conversation about everything that happened, and honestly, I don’t think we need one right now or at all.

She simply complimented some of my photography, and we started talking a little.

Casually.

Carefully.

And somehow, that was enough.

Because the thing I wanted most was never to erase what happened or pretend that everything could go back to exactly how it was.

I just wanted peace. Maybe redemption. Forgiveness for the part I played.

And reading her messages, I realised that we finally have it.

I felt relieved.

Like a weight I had been carrying for a very long time had quietly disappeared.

Looks like life has moved forward for us both. Even if we didn’t talk about much, I have a strong feeling that one of her heart’s desires has come true, or is about to.

But that is her story to tell, not mine. So I’ll wait patiently until she tells me.

And let’s not think too far ahead.

What matters to me right now is something much simpler.

We made peace.

I don’t know where our friendship goes from here.

Maybe we talk occasionally.

Maybe, over time, we become friends again.

Maybe these messages will be the last ones, knowing we made peace, knowing that we still care for each other more than we are willing to admit.

And for once, I don’t need to know.

If you have read this blog for a while, you know how much I care about the people I love.

Even when we had our shitty moments and our differences, our friendship was meaningful and important to me.

It still is.

I can’t help that.

I have learned over the years that when someone becomes important to me, they tend to stay somewhere inside me even when they are no longer part of my everyday life.

For better or worse, that is simply who I am.

Maybe that is also why this small conversation meant so much to me.

It wasn’t about getting my old friendship back.

It wasn’t about pretending nothing happened.

It was simply knowing that there was no longer anger or silence standing between us.

We could speak again.

And that gave me more peace than I realised I needed.

There is something almost funny about it.

For such a long time, I thought closure meant closing a door.

Maybe sometimes it does.

But maybe closure can also mean opening the door again without expecting anyone to walk through it.

And then one day, someone does.

Carefully.

Not promising anything.

Not knowing where the trains take us next.

Just showing up.

Maybe Albert Camus was right about hearts bending.

Maybe Lucas was right about them breaking too.

Because mine broke.

It healed.

I learned.

I struggled.

And somewhere through all of that, I changed.

I don’t think I would appreciate this moment as much if none of that had happened.

Maybe that is the strange thing about growth.

You don’t always notice it while it is happening.

Sometimes you are confronted with a situation, a choice, and before you even know it, you handle it differently. You feel differently about the same situation, and you realise you are responding differently than the person you used to be would have.

I don’t want to rush this.

I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it currently is.

I am just grateful.

Grateful that we can talk again.

Grateful that something that once hurt so much doesn’t hurt anymore.

Grateful that the story apparently still had another page left in it.

And most of all, grateful that when that train arrived, I wasn’t standing on the platform waiting for it.

I was already travelling, planning my next adventure.

I was just catching my breath.

And for a little while, Claire decided to join me there.

And that, ladies and gents and everything in between, that right there is enough.

Author’s Note:

There is one thing I am still torn about.

Should I tell her about this blog?

Part of me doesn’t want to. We barely started talking again, and I don’t want to make things awkward or somehow screw up the peace we just found.

But another part of me doesn’t want to hide it either.

I don’t want her to somehow find the blog later and feel like I kept something from her. Then again, the link has always been there on my Instagram. If she ever clicks on it, she can read it herself.

Maybe she already knows.

Maybe she was never interested enough to read it.

Honestly, I have no idea.

If she ever brings it up, I will be honest with her.

And if we keep talking, maybe eventually I will tell her myself.

For now, I think I am going to leave it alone.

We only just found this little bit of peace.

I don’t want to rush that either.

If I remember correctly, Claire loves big cats, so it makes sense to post one that I’ll dedicate to her.