64 Life Chapter: A New Leaf Part 2

It is Tuesday as I’m writing this, the day before this blog goes live. I’m still editing it and adding a few final things here and there.

I’ve calmed down from the overwhelming happiness I felt these past few days. A couple of unexpected things happened, and they caught me completely off guard.

For a while, I honestly felt overwhelmed by happiness.

I always wanted to make peace with Claire, and I always wanted to buy my own apartment. This past year has been a struggle to forge new parts of my identity and work towards lifelong dreams.

Honestly, the only part that was never in my control was making peace with her.

That was completely unexpected.

Well, I talked about Claire in Part 1, but I didn’t mention the rest of the old group.

With most of them, I am okay.

With some, I am not.

And quite frankly, I have no idea how to fix that.

I know that Claire and I have agreed to go about this casually. Before I talk to the others, or even try talking to them, I think I want to feel more comfortable with her first, or at least get used to the thought that we are talking to each other again.

A lot of time has passed.

She might have changed.

I definitely changed.

The others might have changed too.

But let’s park that for now.

There was another big life event this week that impacted my mood greatly.

I sincerely believed I would never, ever be able to buy something. I believed it for years, and that belief probably held back my growth and was most likely one of the reasons for the depression and loss of confidence in myself over the years.

Buying my own place was always the goal. Renting never really appealed to me, and honestly, the idea of paying rent always annoyed me.

But the more I looked at apartments, my savings, and all the dumb financial decisions I made over the years, the more convinced I became that buying something wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

I am bad at managing money.

There, I said it.

I never really needed to budget because I could cover my costs, and living at home gave me a lot of financial freedom.

So I travelled.

I bought expensive photography gear.

I bought a new car while I was on a temporary contract because I was convinced I would keep working.

I spent money on things I wanted because, quite frankly, I could.

I don’t regret everything. Travelling gave me some of the best memories of my life, and photography became something I genuinely love.

But I could have been smarter.

That being said, I have everything I could possibly want now. Anything else can go on a wish list, and I can save for it.

I guess over the last few months, I have learned to manage my money better. Fewer impulse buys. I am still not there yet, but I am getting a lot better at it, and for the first time, I am laser-focused.

Shit is getting real when it comes to living alone, so I will have no other choice but to learn to manage my money even better.

So I decided to start doing it now.

I am basically pretending that I already have a mortgage and putting that money away.

I originally planned to go to the bank in October.

Certainly not now.

So how did all of this start?

I had an appointment with the dermatologist and took half a day off. I had some spider veins on my nose for a couple of years that always annoyed me.

I thought it was just going to be a consultation, but the doctor basically went, yeah, we can fix that right now.

A laser, not even five minutes, and done.

Well, that was easier than expected.

But that appointment was later in the afternoon, and I thought to myself, why not go to the bank now and make this half day useful?

So I went to the bank.

That wasn’t planned either.

It was just one of those moments where I went:

“Fuck it, let’s go. Nothing to lose anyway.”

The whole build-up from Sunday until that afternoon had been nerve-racking because I genuinely expected the bank to confirm what I had already believed for several years.

That I couldn’t buy anything.

I was stressed, but at the same time, Claire had sent me a message the day before, and I was still happy about that.

Honestly, I was so stressed and anxious about the bank appointment because it felt like a make-or-break moment.

It would determine what I would do in the coming months.

Rent or buy.

It was one of those crossroads that would determine the current course of my life for the coming years.

Maybe that is also why Claire’s message the day before made me so happy.

It helped me relax a little.

Knowing that life still had some positive surprises for me, no matter how small.

The bank appointment itself was easy.

I explained my salary, my savings, and roughly how much I expect to have saved by the end of the year.

And then something happened that I absolutely did not expect.

Lo and behold.

I can buy property in the current market.

Wait.

What?

I genuinely thought I would have to rent for a couple of years, save more money, and maybe buy something later.

Nope.

Apparently, this dream is already attainable.

I walked into that bank expecting one answer and walked out with a completely different future in front of me.

So the plan changed.

Again.

I am going to start actively looking for an apartment to buy.

Yesterday, I had planned to visit a possible future home. Sadly, it got sold before I could see it.

It would have been really nice to have everything fall together like dominoes, but that reminded me that life rarely works that way.

And I think I already knew that in Part 1, most likely subconsciously.

I need to stay grounded, take what I can get, and let the rest play out naturally.

As for the worst possible outcome, I stay with my parents for a few months longer than I originally planned.

Another six months isn’t going to make much difference.

My mind is made up.

I want to move out.

There are still things about it that scare me.

Living alone.

Taking care of everything myself.

Managing my money properly.

And Viggo.

I still don’t want to feel like I am giving up my dog by leaving him behind.

But I also know he will probably be happier with my parents. They are retired, there is almost always someone around, and he gets all the attention in the world.

I’ll miss the little bastard.

But maybe growing also means understanding that doing something for yourself doesn’t automatically mean abandoning something else you love.

For years, I think part of the reason I stayed inside my little bubble was simply because I was scared.

Scared that I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself.

Scared that I wouldn’t be able to make it.

Scared of living alone.

But strangely enough, lately there is a confidence coming back.

A certain calm.

Things that would have completely stressed me out before still stress me out, obviously, but I am starting to trust myself to deal with them.

I think that is different.

And then Saturday came.

I mentioned before that I was going to a theme park with people from the dance school.

Nine of us went to Bobbejaanland.

I don’t feel equally close to everyone who came, and I think that is normal.

The person I have known the longest is Pieter.

We met when we were, euhm...

Fourteen?

I think fourteen.

I turn 38 at the end of this year, so that means we have known each other for almost 24 years.

There were years when we barely saw each other. Sometimes we didn’t see each other at all. Sometimes maybe once a year.

And yet, somehow, he is still there.

The rest of the group is much newer.

People I met because one day at the beginning of this year, I decided to start dancing.

And Saturday was proof of something I sometimes still have difficulty believing.

You can make friends when you are older.

We had a genuinely good day.

At some point, we even danced in the middle of the park.

People were watching us.

Of course they were.

And none of us cared enough to be embarrassed.

Okay, that is not entirely true.

I don’t get embarrassed while I am dancing.

I get embarrassed afterwards when somebody comes up to me and says:

“Hey, I saw you dancing.”

That is when I want to disappear.

But in the moment?

Fuck it.

We danced.

There was also a quieter moment during the day when I was alone with my thoughts for a little while.

And suddenly I had a flashback to Disneyland.

Years ago, I went there with my old friend group.

For a moment, those two parts of my life touched each other.

The people I used to travel and make memories with, and these newer people I am only beginning to know.

It wasn’t really a sad thought.

Maybe a little nostalgic.

But mostly it made me realise how much life continues to move.

Some people leave.

Some people come back.

Some friendships survive years of barely seeing each other.

Some are still broken.

And sometimes, completely new people show up because you decided to take dance classes one day.

Maybe that is another new leaf.

I don’t know how close I will eventually become with all these people.

I don’t know which friendships will still exist years from now.

But I know I enjoyed that day.

I omitted some of the other happy moments that happened this week, but I’ll share one more.

Someone hugged me so tightly that I realised I was a lot closer to that person than I had realised.

She is one of the sweetest people I know.

And no, nothing romantic.

It doesn’t mean we are suddenly best friends either.

Just kindred souls, I guess.

And I realised that maybe I can be a little more open with her.

I guess that moment, together with Bobbejaanland on Saturday with new friends, was proof that life had changed.

That the struggle, the pain, and the stress were worth it after all.

And I know I am glad these people are part of my life right now.

There is one more person from my past I will be seeing soon.

My best friend, Thomas.

It has been two years since I have seen him. We called once or twice this year, but that is about it.

This Saturday, we are going to the zoo together with his son, who I think is five now.

Time really doesn’t give a shit whether you are paying attention or not.

I have no idea what Thomas and I are going to talk about.

And that is fine.

We will figure it out as we go.

Maybe that is something else I have learned.

Not everything needs to be planned.

Not every friendship needs to be defined.

Not every silence needs to be filled immediately.

Sometimes you just meet someone again and see what happens.

I think that is what made this week so special.

It wasn’t one big event.

It was all these unexpected moments happening around the same time.

But now that the overwhelming happiness has calmed down a little, I also have to remind myself of something.

Stay the course.

Because nothing has really changed yet.

What changed is that I was shown possibilities.

I caught a glimpse of what positive change could look and feel like.

Some of those possibilities are outside of my control, while others are things I have the power to change myself.

Claire and I made peace, but I still don’t know where that friendship goes from here.

I still haven’t moved or found an apartment.

I still haven’t lost the weight I wanted to lose.

There are still friendships I don’t know how to repair, new friendships I don’t know where they will go, and a new career I still want to build.

There is still a lot I want to achieve.

But I also don’t want to revert back to the old me.

Honestly, I don’t think I can anymore.

I changed in more ways than one.

I know I keep repeating that, but I am often confronted with situations that I handle differently now. I have even been told by people that I am different from when they met me a year ago.

Maybe I still need to figure out who this new person I am becoming really is.

But there is a calm in me now that has been growing over the past year and a half.

A confidence that says:

Whatever happens, I’ll figure it out.

This week didn’t give me everything I wanted.

It showed me that some of the things I want are possible.

And maybe that is why it overwhelmed me so much.

Some of those possibilities came from things I worked towards.

Some came completely outside of my control.

But standing in the middle of all of it, I realised something.

I meant what I wrote in Part 1.

I am happy.

Really fucking happy.

And for now, I think I am allowed to enjoy that.

I can hear that bird laughing, can you?