68. Life Chapter: No, Nope and Nah

I often catch myself saying yes when I actually don't want to, a habit that got me in trouble so many times in the past. I thought I fixed that habit, but it seems I haven't.

Last week I was helping with Level 1 bachata since there weren't enough leaders. Traditionally that's the role filled by men, although there are female leaders and male followers as well. Getting off point here, but I guess not everyone reading this dances.

Point being, I said I would help with Level 1 and then go home.

I was exhausted that week. I woke up every day at 5 a.m. like usual and went to the gym four times, giving it my all in the hopes that the results would finally show in my weight loss. I was also getting annoyed and a little sad about not finding an apartment I liked and feeling like progress in some areas of my life had stalled.

So mentally and physically, I was done.

After Level 1 there are themed workshops that I usually take part in, and some people asked me to stay for the first one. I didn't really want to, but of course, I said yes.

Argh, I thought to myself. I'm tired, I'm not in the mood, why did I say yes?

I have a bad poker face, so people can usually tell when I'm not 100% and start asking me questions. I powered through and put on my best poker face.

When the second workshop was about to begin, I started packing up. Two women I dance with often asked, "Hey, you're staying for the second part, right?"

I hesitated for a moment, and one of them noticed.

"Yep, he's staying," she said to the other with a smile on her face.

That hit a nerve with me.

"No, sorry. I am tired. I am going home."

Although I said it somewhat out of annoyance, I really was tired. When I said goodbye and made my way to my car, I thought maybe I should say no more often.

I am bad company when I'm exhausted or doing something I actually don't want to do. I say yes too easily, and maybe saying no more often would actually work in my favor.

It made me wonder if learning that sooner would have helped with my old friend group. I sometimes felt obligated to join things like movie nights because I thought if I didn't join the activities, I might lose that friendship.

I ended up losing them regardless.

Maybe if I wasn't so insecure back then, I could have simply said, "Guys, not tonight. I'm going to do something else."

Would it have changed anything? Who knows. I can't change the past anyway.

But I still hold hope for that friendship.

Maybe I should be a little more selfish sometimes and put myself first. Say nah, nope, not today, more often.

I know by now that I need time for myself to recharge, certainly when I'm exhausted and already annoyed. I'm not fun to be around when I'm like that. I don't think anybody is. Instead of always pushing through because I don't want to disappoint someone, I need to be honest with myself and say, "Sorry, I'm going home," or, "I'm not interested today, maybe some other time."

I guess that's the point.

Saying no once in a while isn't going to hurt a friendship.

And if it does, maybe there was a bigger problem to begin with.

Makes sense?

one of my fav pics from japan 2015