72. Reflection Chapter: Life Is a Movie

Have you ever tried to see your life as if you were sitting in a movie theatre?

Let me clarify. I am doing okay now. More than okay, I guess. I still stumble and fall sometimes, like I did over the last few weeks, but that is human.

I have been thinking lately, and I am most likely going to repeat myself a little, but there is something I do that I have noticed about myself.

Sometimes I just listen, look and observe the people I love from a distance without them really noticing.

And for clarification, when I say loved ones, I mean friends and family.

Sometimes I am sitting somewhere in the corner and just watching them, almost like I am trying to burn the memory into my mind. Sometimes I even hide a little just so I can witness something without disturbing the moment.

I did that with Mohamed at his last boxing match.

I had already said goodbye and started making my way home, but before leaving the venue, I looked back one more time. That was a few months ago now, but I still remember doing it.

I catch myself doing things like that quite often.

Sometimes I watch my friends and just smile because I am happy they are there. Sometimes I daydream about friends I don't see very often and imagine them somewhere being happy.

Last Friday I watched Pieter dance and interact with people. I wasn't really doing anything. I was just watching him as if I was watching a movie. Smiling, not saying anything, not joining him, just letting him have his moment.

It sounds weird when I write it down, but I do this a lot.

You know when you say goodbye to someone and start making your way home?

I almost always seem to turn around one more time and watch the people I love leave. Sometimes I wonder when I will see them again. Mostly, though, I think I am just grateful that they are in my life.

At the same time, part of me thinks I am weird.

Well, I know I am weird. Haha.

But what I just confessed here, is that normal behaviour?

Maybe I attach too much value to certain people. Or maybe it is simply proof that I care. I don't really know.

I am not even sure what sparked this topic this week.

I guess sometimes I turn around because I don't want the moment to be over yet. Other times I watch my friends from a distance, smiling or giggling to myself, just enjoying the scenery.

I did that in Budapest too.

My old friend group was drinking at one of those ruin bars. I went to get another drink, ordered it, and before going back to them I stopped for a moment. I leaned against something, although I can't remember what it was. It definitely wasn't a wall, that much I remember.

And I just stood there.

I watched them enjoying their drinks together and smiled.

Recently I did something similar while watching Thomas and his kid making their way back to his car. Again, I just stood there and smiled.

I am not entirely sure why I do it.

I have never really written this here before, but I have always had this strange feeling that death is somewhere around the corner for me. Maybe part of me wants to make sure I can take some of these memories with me when it is eventually my time to go.

Well.

That took a dark turn.

I am not sure why my brain went there, but one thing I do know is that I am grateful for those little moments when I stop and take everything in.

I remember a surprising amount of them.

And sometimes those little moments have become some of the last memories I have of people who are no longer with us.

Maybe that is why I turn around.

Maybe some part of me understands that you never really know which ordinary moment will become important later.

Anyway, before I accidentally turn this into an existential crisis, let's move on.

I somehow got invited to a birthday party by someone I barely know.

I was honestly a little surprised because he is a nice guy, but I decided not to go. I guess that is also part of taking things a little slower.

And next week the new dance season starts.

I am actually kind of excited.

I have learned new things during workshops, of course, but classes are different. You get to practise the same things over and over again until they actually start becoming natural. I am looking forward to learning new moves, mastering them properly and seeing the people I dance with regularly again.

I still don't really know where life is going.

But I am okay.

And I have come a long way.

At least that is how it feels right now.

Although I am also very guarded whenever too many good things happen at once. I have this stupid instinct that when everything starts going well, some disaster must be waiting around the corner.

Expect the worst and you will never be disappointed, right?

Maybe.

But perhaps I have spent enough time preparing myself for the worst.

Maybe those moments where I stop, turn around and quietly watch the people I care about are my way of doing something completely different.

Not preparing myself for the day they are gone.

Just appreciating that they are here now.

Sometimes life really does feel like a movie.

And every once in a while, I like sitting back and watching it.