71. Reflection Chapter: Enjoy the Process
Well, that dream I wrote about last week got to me. I had already thought about those insecurities plenty of times, but that Friday the feeling returned. For a brief moment, I even thought about quitting dancing.
I met up with Thomas that same Friday for a beer and a poke bowl. We caught up, and since the fair was in Leuven, I obviously had to get some smoutebollen too. I guess most people know them as beignets.
We talked about how I had been feeling lately and why I was thinking about quitting dancing. He also asked if I could take pictures at his wedding in a couple of weeks. I am glad to say I'll be doing that!
He was curious about where I danced, so afterwards I showed him the place. While we watched the others dance, I told him that even after all these months, I still felt overwhelmed by how extroverted everyone seemed.
When he was about to leave, I told him to wait a minute so he could see me dance too. I danced one song, and afterwards he said it looked pretty cool. He wouldn't be able to do it himself, he said, but I looked like I was enjoying it.
And yet, there I was, still thinking about quitting. He reminded me of what we had talked about earlier. I was being too hard on myself. If I liked dancing, I should keep doing it.
We said goodbye and I went back inside. A little later, people started asking if I was okay because I wasn't dancing. I guess I had one of those looks on my face.
“Yeah, I just don't feel like it tonight.”
At some point, I went to the bar. On my way back, someone else asked if I was okay. I told him I was thinking about quitting, and he said we all go through phases like that.
“Yeah, but it's not only that, though.” I said it without really wanting to.
I briefly explained the dream and the insecurities behind it. I didn't feel like going through everything again. I think he noticed.
“You enjoy dancing?”
“Yeah, I'm just not good at it.”
“That's not what I asked, though.”
“Yes, I like it,” I said. At this point, I was curious where he was going with this.
He asked if quitting would actually solve anything.
“You would just be sitting at home with the same frustrations, right?”
Well, yes.
He said I already knew what was bothering me and that quitting something I enjoyed would probably only leave me more frustrated with myself.
“Just enjoy it. Enjoy the process, even if it's frustrating.”
Something clicked right there. He had asked me if I enjoyed dancing, and somehow I had turned it into a question of whether I was good enough.
I had heard “enjoy the process” before with drawing. You enjoy creating something, and the finished piece is the climax of that process. I guess I had been so busy worrying about getting better at dancing that I was forgetting to actually have fun.
So no, I am not quitting. I'll take things a tiny bit slower for a while, but I still want to dance.
As for the past week, it was a quieter one. I read a lot, did some more apartment hunting and focused on my food and workouts. I spent the weekend gaming and relaxing. Not the most exciting week, but that's what I have been up to.
My goals haven't changed, though. I've planned out how I want to lose weight and decided to start running. I am just waiting for my shoes to arrive before I get started.
I've also decided to try to read four books before the end of the year! Reading books was already one of my goals this year, so I am putting the comics aside for now.
See you next week.