70. Reflection Chapter: Demons at the Door

This past week I have been annoyed at several things at once. Progress has stalled. The market for apartments seemed stalled, weight loss was not working out, dancing started to annoy me, and people seemed to disappoint me more than usual.

I also woke up from a dream at the magical shit hour, 3:00 a.m., for some reason. When I sleep badly, I always seem to wake up at that particular time.

I dreamed of a version of life further down the line where apparently I had given up on life. How I regretted not doing anything and that all my friends disappeared somewhere along the way. I didn't get to make up with Claire and the old friend group, and years down the line it still bothered me. I didn't reconnect with people from the past either. I gave up on dancing and got into an even deeper depression than the one I got out of.

When I woke up, I had tears in my eyes, my heart was beating loudly, and I was drenched in sweat. The dream was very vivid, and all I am doing now is giving you a short summary of what I saw. Imagine the worst possible outcome for yourself or the worst that could happen in your life. That's how I felt when I woke up from it, as if it had happened, as if the dream was reality.

When I woke, I sat straight up and told myself it was a dream. I already made other choices in life, but the anxiety didn't want to calm down because right after I thought, what if this is how things will turn out eventually?

I started to spiral.

No one was there to stop it, and deeper I went.

"Dancing is a hindrance. I shouldn't be doing it. I have zero feeling for rhythm."

"I don't want to see anyone anymore. People disappoint me and hurt me each time."

"It's been more than a year and a half and I still haven't made close friends. Did I even make friends at all? If I stop dancing, no one will care anyway."

"Kenn has a kid. I won't see him anymore."

"Thomas is too busy with life."

"Claire and I barely speak. Will we even have the chance to see each other ever again?"

"What about the guys? Will I ever be able to make up with them?"

"Pieter will have a girlfriend. He won't have time for me anymore."

"I am still living at home. Will I ever find an apartment?"

"What's the point of going to the gym? I am not losing weight."

"I will always be the fat guy."

"Have I lost friends because I am a shit person?"

"Putting myself out there. It's too hard."

"Trying to be different didn't help."

"Life has no meaning. Why live it..."

My heart was beating louder than it did before. I was losing it. My breathing became shallow. My heart was beating in my throat. I felt light-headed. Everything was spinning. The thoughts grew louder and louder and louder.

I stood up. I was holding myself up, making sure I wouldn't fall. I started to look around, but everything was still spinning. I closed my eyes, and then...

From deep within, before I had time to think, my voice escaped. I said, "NO!" in anger and smacked myself hard in the face with both hands.

"No," I said again.

"I am not going down that road ever again."

My face really hurt. I chuckled. Ha, once an idiot, always an idiot. And fuck that, I know where that road leads. It goes fucking nowhere! I chuckled because I realised how ridiculous it is to need to smack myself in the face. Hence the idiot line.

My system calmed down and I started to pace in my room while thinking. There are four months left this year. I am doing okay. Let's prioritise weight loss. The rest will require more time. I need to be patient.

I went back to bed and woke up one hour later at 5 a.m., stood up right away, packed my bag and hit the gym.

There was so much anger.

I forced my weaker knee and it hurt. My whole body hurt. I upped the weight way past my normal limits. I was angry, sad, broken.

I played music at max volume to drown out my own thoughts. Just me, the gym and music.

"The Death & Resurrection Show," "Weapon of Choice," "In the End," "Catch Hell Blues," and some Rise Against were playing on repeat.

In other words, loud music.

I am not sure what triggered this dream because lately I am genuinely happier.

After the gym session, I kept telling myself, patience. I need to be more patient. I am doing enough.

Feeling the way I did that night scared me. I am not sure how I was able to snap out of it, but I am grateful it didn't last long.

I am grateful for the people around me and the mementos in my room because before I went to bed that night, I looked around my room and saw the gifts I have gotten throughout the years that I kept.

It reminded me that I wasn't alone.

I was never alone to begin with.

After the gym session, on my way to work, I framed it as demons at the door.

And for a brief moment I let them all in.

When I arrived at work, I calmed down and felt proud that I stopped the battle before it could become something worse.

Unfortunately, later that week, on Friday, I had a relapse. I feel a bit down right now and decided to get plenty of rest.

I guess kicking them out once didn't mean they wouldn't come knocking again.