Hi, in all honesty, this was supposed to be part of the previous blog. I wanted to write about the pillars in life, but that whole discussion at dinner with Ines and Thomas felt like I finally understood why I cherish certain friendships so much.
Well, whatever the case, that blog has been published, I've thought things over, and now here we are.
I strongly believe I won't relapse into depression anytime soon. That's quite a bold statement, I know, but I'm convinced I'm right about this. Not because life suddenly became easier, but because I think I've built something that I didn't have back then. Let me explain.
Everyone has pillars in their life. They're different for everyone, but let me explain mine.
People are important to me, obviously. How many times have I mentioned that by now?
But somewhere along the way, I understood that people can't be my only pillars. People leave, for whatever reason, and if those people are your only source of happiness and stability, that's rather fragile. Especially for someone like me, who doesn't have that many friends they can call home.
I think that was part of the problem back then. I depended too much on those connections for my happiness, and when they started disappearing, I didn't have much else to fall back on. I'd also lost my direction in life, my sense of purpose and any hope for the future. I didn't really have anything to look forward to anymore.
I know I'm repeating myself from previous blogs, but what I'm trying to say is that you need several pillars holding you up mentally, and they can't all be people.
That doesn't mean I've stopped needing people or that I care any less about them. Far from it. I still cherish those connections, but I can't expect a handful of people to be responsible for all my happiness.
So, what are my pillars?
There's my friends, dancing and the community that comes with it, which brings me a lot of joy and warmth.
Then there's the physical side of things. The gym, even though I really hate it, and my newest pillars, running and calisthenics. Those last two are still pretty weak since I've only recently started building them.
There's also the creative side. Drawing, although that pillar has become rather unstable. My own fault, really. Dancing took over. There's this blog, which will end in a few weeks, and I intend to spend more time on art afterwards. And photography, although that's a rather small pillar since I honestly don't know what to do with it anymore.
My dog is another pillar, along with reading. Well, mostly comics at the moment, but I'm trying to change that.
Then there's work, however weird that might sound. It gives me a sense of belonging to a team, but it's also my source of income, which allows me to do all those other things. Alongside that, there's my career direction towards UI/UX, something I'm still trying to build.
And finally, there's one more pillar, something less tangible.
Hope and staying positive.
I know that sounds rather cheesy, but there's a lady up in God's kingdom who would be sad if I wasn't the crazy, happy me again.
I guess I've been thinking about my nan since 1 November just passed.
She wouldn't want me to give up on myself, and neither do I. I've spent enough time being miserable, and while I know life won't always be sunshine and rainbows, I want to keep looking forward to things.
So those are my pillars.
But recently, two of my biggest pillars have started to shake.
There's uncertainty at work at the moment. Nothing has been decided, but it does make me wonder what might happen.
And secondly, the Friday social in Leuven has been cancelled. Apparently, the building is in bad shape and has been declared unsafe. The strange thing is that another expert supposedly said it could still be used for another five years, so classes are continuing, but the Friday socials are no longer happening.
Makes no sense to me.
With both happening around the same time, my first thought was, WTF? I just started getting my shit together, and now this happens?
But something weird happened.
Instead of panicking or becoming overwhelmed, I could actually think clearly about both situations.
I was frustrated, obviously. I'm still frustrated, but I wasn't sitting there thinking everything was falling apart. I was already thinking about what I could do next.
Work? Well, it sucks, but I'll find another job if I need to. Worst case, my plans to move out get delayed and I'll have to build a bigger financial buffer. I might even end up renting instead of buying. A couple of extra months won't make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things.
Or perhaps nothing will change at all.
As for dancing, I still have my weekly classes. I might spend more Fridays at home instead of Leuven, and there's always Brussels, although I still get the ick when I think about Brussels.
I like dancing, obviously, but what I would miss most about those Fridays is seeing the people I've got to know. Still, the community hasn't disappeared just because one social has stopped.
And that's when I realised something.
A while ago, both situations would probably have gotten to me much more. I would've worried about everything I might lose, how my plans were falling apart and what I was going to do.
But this time, I could see alternatives.
It doesn't mean I don't care or that I'm not disappointed. I am. It just means I don't feel completely lost when something doesn't go as planned anymore.
And despite all this uncertainty, I somehow believe that I'll be okay.
Actually, no. I know I'll be okay.
Maybe saying I won't relapse into depression is a little too confident. I can't predict the future, and I know there will be difficult days. But I know myself better now, I have things to look forward to, and I know what to do when things start going wrong.
After everything I've been through, all those tests and difficult situations, I think it's unfair to myself to keep doubting that I can handle whatever comes next.
I'm still defiant, hopeful and positive.
The timing might change, but the goals haven't.
And then again, the work pillar might not be affected at all.
After all, rumours are just rumours.
So whatever happens, fuck yeah, let's fucking go.
