Life Chapter: Echoing Silence

After having written The Villains in Some Stories for the better part of 2.5 weeks, I wondered why I haven’t reached out to those friends myself yet.

Apart from the reasons I mentioned in last week’s blog, I couldn’t find any others.

I was trying to find another reason, just so I could reach out.

At some point, I gathered all the courage I had, opened Discord, and started writing a message.

Then I deleted it.

I tried again. I wrote, deleted, and repeated that dance for a while.

After a while, all I could do was look at my screen and see my friends sitting in the channel.

And all I did was stare.

That blog really hit the nail on the head more than I thought it would. I didn’t think it would affect me this much.

I started to read some of the more recent messages in their Discord, and I saw that someone had posted a referral link to get some in-game rewards in Palia. I couldn’t get myself to join the channel or write anything, but I could still be kind.

So I used their referral link, made an account, and they will never know it was me.

I am not sure why I did what I did.

Maybe I miss the friendship more then i care to admit.

Love and care from afar is all I can manage right now.

I think I understand how some people might feel now. Part of me keeps saying now is not the time to reach out. Another part says it is long overdue. And some other distant part says it is better not to reopen the chapter at all.

Torn is how I feel right now.

I wanted to write something that might help others and show them another point of view, maybe even the perspective of their friends. but in the end i reopened my wound instead. Years of friendship aren’t easily forgotten, even if the last few years had their fair of share disagreements. There were always more good moments than bad ones.

I did write that I am somewhere between healed and scratching. unwillingly, I started to bleed again.

Writing a blog is one thing, but sometimes the words echo.

I needed to write about this aftermath because, frankly, I am not going to tell this to anyone I know.

I write because it helps me think and process, and because life is messy. Sometimes we might not realize how messy it actually is for others.

Let’s switch gears and talk about other stuff, and yes, I am aware this is a 180-degree turn.

On the bright side, Thomas and I reconnected. I hadn’t heard from him in a while, but we exchanged some messages recently and talked on the phone for a bit. He invited me to a LAN party, but unfortunately, I had already made too many promises for that date and had to say no.

I felt annoyed, and right away I tried to plan something else we could do together with his family, so I am excited to see him again soon. It will be great to see him again.

I also heard that there are no summer dance classes, and my Friday hangout/dance social is also closed during that period. There are alternatives, like dancing in Brussels on Sundays or even attending Open Air in Leuven, but I was annoyed that I wouldn’t be able to progress as a dancer if there were no classes.

Until I realized something simple and felt a bit dumb afterward.

I always ask people to teach me their moves, and I copy by watching the more i practice the easier it gets to copy others.

However, one thing that is harder to change about myself is my low self-esteem. If I can become more confident in life, I think I will feel free. I know I will get there. I just need to be more patient and keep pursuing the shadow of my future self.

God, that sounded cringe.

Anyway, dancing is currently one of the few things I do to get out of my own head, even if I am still doing it anxiously and nervously, haha. at some point i will i will be able to let go of that and it already happen now and then.

As for not having any classes this summer I am not too worried about that. At first, I treated it as a setback, but it really isn’t. It is just a change of pace and a different season.

Lately i started thinking that i want to open an Etsy shop. I am going to look through some of my pictures, get a few printed, and see how they turn out before I go ahead and try selling them online.

Right now, I feel that is all I can do.

Keep moving, keep building, keep being kind where I can, and try not to be too hard on myself when old wounds reopen.

As Max Ehrmann wrote in Desiderata:

“Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.”

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