Life Chapter: A Defiant Resilience
Last week, during salsa class, I had a hard time following and got severely annoyed with myself. I was ready to leave class. I felt like I was holding everybody back.
I even had to dance with the teacher one-on-one for a while, which made matters worse. That struck a chord. The teacher was very helpful, but the fact that I was put on the spot made me ready to say, “Thanks for helping, but I am going home.”
I got more and more annoyed as time went on, stopped joking and laughing altogether, my breath became shallow, and annoyance started to change into panic and discomfort. A panic attack was on its way. I started to flick my armband. It was something I learned to do when I was depressed, although back then it was with a rubber band and not with an armband with beads. My wrist was red from flicking it so much. I started to scratch my arm and kept rubbing my face.
One of the dance partners I go to socials with from time to time said, “Hey, are you okay? You look like you are about to have a panic attack. Do you want to step outside?”
I shook my head no. When uncomfortable, mad, or concentrated, I have difficulty speaking up. My jaw clenches up. When I am concentrated, I am just on another planet, which sometimes confuses people into thinking I am mad or pouting.
She looked at me, concerned, and every time I looked in her general direction, I noticed she was keeping an eye on me to make sure I was okay. For context, we partner-swap every x amount of time.
But I refused to leave or give up.
“I’ll get it. I know I will,” I kept repeating to myself.
I wasn’t stubborn. I was defiant. I stayed despite the panic and the discomfort. I stayed even when every fiber told me to pack my things and run. I stayed. I was determined not only to get the dance sequence, but to prove myself wrong again. I can change. I am changing.
I am proud that I didn’t run away and leave class halfway through, like I did a few weeks ago. I am learning to stay, little by little, like I wanted. I am always a little anxious when I dance, but this was extremely difficult. Not to just leave, quit, or run away. After hearing someone say they could see that I was struggling, it made it so much worse. I am an open book, unfortunately and well, yeah, I think everyone knew since I joke and clown around and smile and laugh often. Or maybe I am just self-conscious.
But this was a storm I had chosen to face head-on. I couldn’t be more proud to have won a battle that I would have lost by default a year ago.
Later that week, I also reconnected with Ines. I hadn’t seen her in a while, so I was very excited and very happy to see her again. We talked and caught up a lot. She had a very busy period, so we had a lot to talk about.
One of the topics we talked about was us as children. Apparently, I was always the loud one, in a good way. Talking to everyone, being social, and being nice to everyone. Funny, because I thought I was always the quiet, shy one and that I changed in my later adult years.
Every time I speak with Ines, some weird nostalgia shows up and I learn more about myself. I wonder if it is the same for her.
Later that same night, I was the DJ at the Friday social with my Spotify playlists. It was the first time I could put on music for the friday social. It was pretty fun, and I had some compliments about my music taste, so I was over the moon that night. I was invited into the DJ group by friends vouching for me. New friends at that. It has only been five months or so since I started to dance. People already trusting me and counting on me to deliver is something I didn’t expect so soon.
Reconnecting with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while and being able to put on some music for people to dance to felt amazing. The effort of trying to turn my life around and change internally is slowly paying off, and dancing that night to the songs I put on was so freaking awesome because I knew the words and rhythm to all the songs.
And as if the weekend couldn’t get any better, the day after, I went to the wedding of an ex-colleague from IKEA. At first, I was unsettled since I knew no one at the wedding except one colleague and the bride. It was awkward. I stood by myself, looking around until I saw a familiar face, but both families were very welcoming. I also think we were the only people there outside the family, at least from the bride’s side.
I didn’t talk with a lot of people. I mainly caught up with the bride and the other colleague. After the opening dance, people started dancing. I was dragged to the dance floor a couple of times, but I didn’t stick around too long. I got in my own head.
After a while, I wondered what was holding me back.
“Nothing can be worse than the salsa class this week, and I stayed! So fuck it, let’s go.”
I am sure I had a stupid grin on my face when I thought, fuck it, let’s go, and joined the line dancing, polonaise, and other funky dances we do at parties in Belgium. I also danced with the bride, or rather the bride danced with me. She made me do turns; it was easier that way since she had a big fluffy dress. I had fun. I left satisfied around midnight. I stopped at a highway rest spot on the way home to sit in the back of my car, just watching the night sky for a little while and enjoying the cold air before driving the rest of the way home.
It was a good weekend. After all the bleeding I did with the last two blogs, it was nice to escape my own head for a while. I can speak with people easily, but I do not connect with them on a deeper level that easily. When I do, those people become imprinted on my soul for the rest of my life. This is something I finally made peace with over the last few days.
Maybe this is why it is hard to let go or forget the people I once loved, because they keep living somewhere deep inside me.
This is part of who I am. I can’t help it, and I realised that I don’t want to change that. This makes me who I am, for better or worse, and I am learning to make peace with that.
Since I started this blogging journey and started reconnecting with people from the past, I am reminded of who I am and who I was. I am gaining direction, finding my north star, and feeling a little less lost than before.
Next Sunday, I’ll be helping the dance school by taking pictures. I need to look up the settings because people in motion are different from animal portraits. This will be an interesting experience, and I am looking forward to it.
I also started carrying a sketchbook everywhere. I am trying to take this Artist’s Odyssey more seriously. Being creative brings me joy. I am hoping to get some good shots and more sketches done.
And to whoever is reading, thank you for reading this blog and the others. It somehow helps me feel less lonely thinking that someone might be reading my awkward, clumsy words.