Life Chapter: Silent Tears, Restless Feet
I am rather busy lately, with a lot of photos to edit, and taking 3 dance classes each week isn't really helping. I’ll be taking level 2 of bachata, redoing level 1, and adding salsa to the mix. I really love going out dancing, and the festival last weekend, although overwhelming, showed me exactly that I made the right choice.
I am still shy as fuck when I go dancing. That is why I made the T-shirt you guys saw in last week's post. It was honestly just a joke in my head, until I decided, fuck it, let’s actually go and make it. Women asked me to dance and didn’t care that I was bad or a beginner. However, I tried to cover it up. I was embarrassed by it. Yep, I can be very shy at times.
Sometimes I still lose the count when dancing, and I mess up the twists and turns, but it’s getting better, both the dancing and me being less shy. Dancing is really a nice hobby to have. It lets me connect with people and make new friends, just like at the festival. I made so many new connections by being myself, so maybe last weekend was the self-validation I needed.
And I need to clarify something from last week's post. I feel like I mentioned something and then avoided talking about it. I had a panic attack, and I had silent tears too, both tied to my old life. I didn’t mention or explain it because I am dead set on growing as a person, but even when you are moving forward, occasionally old demons can still show up.
The reason for the panic attack was rather simple. My old life and new life clashed. I haven’t had a panic attack in over a year, and that one didn’t last long. It was short, but intense. My friend hugged me, and that was enough for me to calm down. We talked about the changes I went through, but she already knew some of it, which made it easier to talk to her about it. She has always been kind to me.
As for the silent tears, someone talked about missing their old friend, and that triggered something in me. I didn’t even notice the tears until I felt them rolling down my cheek. Obviously, I miss my friends too. That’s no secret if you have been reading for a while.
Both the silent tears and the panic attack came from the same place. Missing parts of my old life. Missing my old tribe, and also being confronted with how much I changed over the past year and Standing there as a baby dancer between people who were clearly on a whole other level, while being introverted and with my social batteries already depleted, that was the final push that triggered the panic attack. I really learned how much time I actually need by myself to recharge, and right now I am depleting them faster than I can recharge.
Am I going to slow down? Fuck no. I am on a bullet train that’s taking me to my next destination. I love being out, learning new things, being social. I even randomly volunteered between workshops to help set tables and chairs. I just need to learn to expand my capacity. And that got tested last Friday too. I went on a date with a gorgeous woman. I enjoyed the date and getting to meet someone new. She was very easy to talk to and seemed very down to earth. We went out dancing after we had a drink. I think the date went well. But I am keeping my emotions in check. I need some time to process the date.
Last week I also mentioned I met Jesus, a wise man, a saint. It is weird how 5 minutes of kindness from my side turned into such deep conversations with the bouncer over the course of the night. We joked, we talked, we bonded. My only regret is not asking for his socials so we could get a beer together, but honestly, there are a lot of people I should have asked for their socials over the course of the weekend, and I didn’t. I think I was so wired in the moment that I forgot about it. One thing I noticed about myself lately: I am less in my head. I spend less time overthinking and more time doing.
On a side note, I decided to check apartments once a week and choose the locations I would like to buy or rent in, to get a better idea of what I want and need. I came to the conclusion that I don’t need a lot of space, but how the space is divided is the important part.
